I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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