Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
this is an emotional support booty call
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
