No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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