Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
