I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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