Don't make out with my wife yet
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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