I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
