i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
