I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
did i just pee glitter
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
