He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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