you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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