My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
