My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize