After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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