I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
