He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There r osticjed everywhere
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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