You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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