I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
