i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up under a house in Key West
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
