how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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