i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
