My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
