I just threw up on my dentist
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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