I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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