So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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