the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
