i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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