Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
