I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My butt remains clenched, sir.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
