Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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