The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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