My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Randomize