Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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