you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
