Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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