She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
