Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
