Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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