theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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