Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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