Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
