Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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