69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
