I can tuck mytits in my pants
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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