How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Randomize
