nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
