A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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