Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
