GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
