i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
