Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
