Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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