he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
