From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
