just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
