I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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