dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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