I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
