This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
