my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
