You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
