I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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